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Pronunciation : Coming soon ...

HERACLES

Also known as ALCAEUS, HERAKLES

The divine hero, the pinnacle of masculine perfection, a veritable Greek beefcake of rippling muscle, greasy good looks, courage, ingenuity, and sexual prowess. In two words HE ROCKED!

Alcmene was chosen by Zeus to carry his mortal son after a phrophecy pointed out that God power would be completely useles in a war against the Gigantes. But Zeus didn't go in for the orthodox godly routine of divine impregnation, nor could he be bothered with the courting, picnic, meet the parents drill. Nope, a mammoth three day sexathon disguised as her man Amphitryon was the order of the day - Hey, you can't rush perfection!

Hera had watched the old corn dog spank every female he could get his grubby mitts on for as long as she could remember and this was a bridge too far. Heracles was guaranteed a tough life.

She caused complications during childbirth after a deal with Zeus ensured that any son born before nightfall would rule the house of Perseus, and summoned the witch Eileithyia to perform a series of bizarre body contortions outside of Alcmene's bedroom. This delayed Hercules birth just long enough for Eurystheus to be born first. But he might not have been born at all if Galanthis hadn't feigned baby cries which made Eileithyia drop her guard. The faithful hand maid should really have kept her mouth shut at this point, but couldn't resist a little jibe and she was turned into a weasel. You should never mock a witch!

So, Hera won the contest but it didn't stop her from pointing two venemous serpents in the direction of Heracles cradle. Even at such an early age he was showing all the signs of a hero, and after hearing the commotion Alcmene burst into the nursery to find Heracles giggling and having a whale of a time as he throttled the snakes with his bare hands.

Growing into a strapping hunk and being happily married to Princess Megara with three wonderful children didn't make Hera hate him any less. Maybe his bad habits were a little too close to his dads.

Heracles was a sexual athlete and bedded fifty of King Thesiods daughters in a single night and could drink booze for Greece in the Olympics... if such an event existed. It's no wonder Zeus was so proud of him.

But never passing up an opportunity to send a little hardship his way, Hera's ferocity came to a peak when she inflicted him with a nasty case of insanity, and driven round the bend by her relentles persuit he murdered his entire family. A trip to Apollo's Oracle explained exactly what he must do to take his mind off things...

A bit of physical graft should do the trick. Just twelve little jobs, that's all, and god-hood will be yours. Of course it couldn't be that simple. The labours were cooked up by his crazed Nemesis Hera and implimented by King Eurystheme, the guy who beat him to the first born punch. The odds were stacked against him from the get-go, what with the King pretty much making the rules up as he went along, he even added two more labours to the original ten, citing outside interference. Yeah, right.



The Twelve Labours of Hercules Coming soon...

The Nemean Lion
The Lernaean Hydra
The Cerynean Hind
The Eurymathian Boar
The Augean Stables
The Stymphalion Birds
The Cretan Bull
The Mares of Diomedes
Hippolyte's Belt
The Cattle of Geryon
The Apples of Hesperides
Cerberus

So, Hercules breezed through the twelve labours with relative ease, albeit with a little help from his friends. He survived attacks from nasty giant beasties, trips to Hades, travestites and personal disasters of imeasurable proportions, slavery, Hera and bearing the weight of the world on his shoulders, literally, but in the end his wayward ways would prove to be his downfall.

Upset at Heracles apparent lust for Iole, Deianeira remembered the words of Nessus, which was a bit naive as he had just been smacked sensless by Herc for trying to rape her, but she didn't know any better. 'Take my blood, keep it to preserve your marriage' said Nessus. 'Yes, i know it contains the poison of the Hydra that your husband dipped his arrow in just before he shot me through the heart, but trust me, i'm a Centaur!'

Thinking that this really would win back his affections she sent a blood soaked tunic to Heracles with Lichas. The old Centaur must have been laughing in his grave as the poison did it's stuff, and writhing in pain Heracles ripped up trees, built his own funeral pyre and had Poeas light the match.

He was soon on Mount Olympus, retrieved from the flames by Zeus. Even Hera warmed to him a little and he married her daughter Hebe who gave him two sons Alexiares and Anicetus.
Family Tree ...
Parents : Zeus and Alcmene
Spouse : Megara, Deianeira, Hebe (after deification)
Offspring : Coming soon...
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'HERACLES' - Greek entry : 26 April 2007
Page last modified on 27 Mar 2013
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